January 3rd, 2017.
I had lightly prepared for this journey on the Big Island. It didn’t seem necessary to indulge the usual harvesting of supplies as this trek would only be close to three miles in. I have heard of the crystal clear life giving waters above Waimea, that once touched, would bring a flood of youth to anyone worthy of its caresses. Naturally, I had to test this idea.
I had a crew of four not including myself. Any adventure of such magnitude must be shared with at least four others as a rule.
VALUME. She was our navigator. A hot tempered temptress who enjoyed wearing as little as possible for the reason you would always know who to follow.
HUNDRY. He was our giant. If you are to traverse the wilderness, bring a giant with you. But select your giant carefully. They must be as light-footed as an elephant or you may find yourself struggling to hold your ground while the earth shakes from each step.
JINNY. Jinny was our distractor. A distractor is an individual specifically chosen to be, during a terrifying situation, less fortunate than you. She had spent the previous day running nine miles from wall to wall inside the living room of her summer home followed by a night of binge vodka drinking in preparation for our quest.
MYTH. She is my trophy. An item that one must always have on hand for proper egotism. She is a short petite exotic young girl made out of gold so that wether she is coming, going, or standing still, I will always know how awesome I am in my own head.
We stood watching Jinny attempting to locate items inside the trunk of our vehicle which she had already packed into a small bag. It also appeared as if she had tried to play a quick game of Sudoku before Valume had stopped her.
Just off in the distance was the beginning. A menacing looking gate with a guard pacing back and forth was all that stood between us and progress.
The guard seemed to be a pleasant fellow until further inspection showed him to be wielding a switchblade ukulele. Each string he plucked rotated a different grimacing sharpened knife from the instruments headstock. I could only imagine the song he sang in his native tongue was dark and full of disparity. After assuring us that only he could provide access through the gate, he warned us of the dangers that lie ahead and urged us to turn away, pointing out the various rusted and immovable vehicles on the side of the road indicating past explorers who had never returned.
Valume could not be detoured by this and offered up a bribe which the guard had taken without hesitation and opened the gate. We had later determined that he may have been just a normal guy pretending to own that section of property to collect an income. Even the gate itself seemed sketchy, as he may have simply brought it with him in the early morning hours. This gave us hope that his warnings may not have been true.
Myth, my trophy, pointed out how pretty the landscape was. I watched her as she did this.
Stepping lively just up ahead, following Valume closely, was Hundry. He was excited to take on the first of our challenges. These were large mud holes that, if improperly trekked, could swallow you whole. He simply stepped over them while the rest of us searched out possible paths.
Only a few paces in, Jinny had lost her left shoe in the muddy abyss. She had almost lost her entire leg, but we managed to form a chain to pull her out. You never want to lose your distractor that early in the game.
Jinny had lost her other shoe.
Our first real warning had blocked our path. Another gate with bones dangling from the surrounding trees and a sign written in the blood of a state politician read: No Trespassing, keep out, danger. This proved to be a farce because we know if anyone who worked for the state located these sacred waters, they would do anything to keep it for themselves.
So we climbed over, pushing a few femurs out of the way. Myth managed to squeeze underneath and smiled. I landed on the other side and nodded arrogantly whilst petting her silky hair.
This new path led us through a grove of trees where we could see the wandering souls of those who were lost forever. Valume pointed out that they were other explorers on the same path as we. After a long argument, we concluded they were only hallucinations from having less oxygen to breath from our normal elevation of zero.
1:24 PM or 1:32 PM
Our arrival at the iron fence of deception was rather confusing. We had all felt it was a great time for a photo op, but we were unsure where to take it. The fence itself unlocked and opened on its own providing a new direction to travel that seemed to cut the distance from the normal path.
Hundry had taken the phone and decided to try a shot of us with the iron fence behind. However, the fence moved away and left yet another warning sign forever ingrained in the image. Valume had then made the decision not to trust the fences directions and raced over to grab Jinny before she was deceived.
Onward we pushed side by side with the babbling bamboo.
The babbling bamboo sounded like millions of whispers. Placing your ears close, you can almost make out their discussions which seemed to be mainly politics and YouTube videos. Some will urge you to enter and join them. If you choose to do so, my dear reader, be cautious.
I had sent the crew on ahead and entered their domain. A tiny path opened up leading to endless marijuana fields perfectly hidden. Time here slows to a crawl as I found myself leaving after three years. When I caught up with the crew, Myth had noticed I’d taken on more grey which I explained away as the bright sun gleaming off the blonde.
We came across a stretch of decking that apparently was supposed to help with walking over the path of mud and rocks. However, the states two million dollar budget only allowed them to nail together a few pieces of plywood and throw it down on its side so that you would need to shift the Earth on its axis by seventy-five degrees to utilize it.
This proved an easy task for me as the babbling bamboo had explained to me how it was possible during my three year stay. So I had to carry my crew across one by one, all except for Hundry who smashed the wood to splinters with a single step.
Valume had removed her shirt and was walking backwards all the while making hand gestures that one would see at an airport taxiway. She was doing this for some time before I realized it was for our benefit. Not because we were on the edge of a cliff. That didn’t frighten anyone as looking out over it revealed what I would imagine Heaven to look like; solid white fog that went on forever; dull and boring. It was for the reason of not looking down under our feet to see we were strolling along a large fault line. This crack was the very top of what will become the next major landslide in the area.
Even with the precautions of following Valume, Jinny nearly went over the edge several times because the hanging vines above our heads kept pushing her. We were worried that if a landslide did occur, it would only take her and our crew might get separated. So Hundry moved her to the back of the pack and ensured she couldn’t pass.
We had come to a large crevasse of approximately one-hundred feet. The way across was a huge toppled over tree that was blackened by what may have been a godly lightning strike.
Before proceeding, as the expedition was at its height in danger, we decided to draw straws to see who would be the first to cross. I had Jinny begin to break down small twigs to use in place of the straws when, much to my surprise, Myth had jumped out onto the tree and began walking like she was on a treadmill. Valume, angry by not being in the lead, followed behind and attempted to overtake her. Not wanting to miss the action, Hundry stepped over the crevasse to get a better view from the other side while I stood motionless and in fear my trophy would break.
They had made it safely and I was able to breath again, continuously maintaining a calm demeanor as any great explorer must be able to do while Death knocks at someone else’s door. I used my keen judgement and determined to stay as close as possible to Jinny. Had any large flying predators taken someone off, or a rupture in the burnt wood given way causing someone to fall, surely it wouldn’t be me.
We stood before the entrance to a long dark cave. To get to it, we had to drop into flowing water rushing through. Valume dove in head first to find any possible underwater sea creatures that may pose a threat. Only one had been found; a stick, which she had taken the pleasure to dispatch into sizes of rice.
Myth had entered with her and found an ancient torch for lighting the way. It was one of those torches that stay fully lit forever until dropped near water. The rest of us followed their lead.
As we stepped further and further into these ruins I noticed the repetitive knocks of heads hitting the ceiling with an occasional scrape of Hundry’s bag. The ceiling had been so low that Jinny hit her head to a beat. Hundry, hunched over so far he was drinking the water and would scratch the top of his bag along the dripping rocks making a bass sound. This had thrown Myth and Valume into a raving frenzy; dancing and singing to the beats.
And with the final note, we had found our destination.
Entering the first pool gave me a glimpse of how these waters are life giving. In an instant I raced for a wall to stand on and the freezing temperature made me as nimble as when I was five.
From above, water gushed from a magical portal and flowed down a steep ancient carving which gave the water its intense power before splashing into a pool. We would watch as females would climb to the top and slide down with it.
However, something strange happened here. Men could no longer be seen by other men. Hundry had simply vanished from my eyes as well as the other male explorers. We all new of each other’s presence but wonderfully, we never had to see each other. This left a crowd of beautiful women playing in the water.
Myth had taken her turn sliding and became a brighter gold. Valume also went, deciding to remove a few more clothing items, and became stronger with a little more perkiness. Jinny was struggling not to be pulled back into cave by the force of the water and the grasping of the other explorers attempting to get around her.
I stood like a triumphant statue on my wall overlooking this wonderful accomplishment. I myself did not need such life and youth. For a great explorer must always keep youth in mind and show the scars of his epic battles.
Only the greatest of explorers may see what I have seen. Although, if you decide to undergo this marvelous adventure it is worth it to carry on, even when dangers lurk about. If a tragedy does happen to befall you, just remember, it’s not my fault. The bamboo told me to tell you it will all be okay.